This is a space where I share images and discussion about the variety of video games I play. Click images to see their full resolution.
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Originally posted by Coby Sevdy to online forums, all posts here have been copied to this blog for archival purposes.
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Thursday, February 12, 2026
#67 - HELLDIVERS II
Greetings, fellow Helldivers!
Do you love Democracy? Freedom? Liberty? Are you willing to do your part in the service of Super Earth? Then join the Helldivers today! And let FREEDOM "rain" from above!
...Would you like to know more?
Sorry, I couldn't resist. The game franchise HELLDIVERS takes the campy pro-military satire from the film Starship Troopers (1997) and cranks it up to 11. That film, interestingly enough, was based on a book of the same name by Robert A. Heinlein, which was actual pro-military propaganda.
Heinlein published his science fiction book in 1959, in the early days of the Cold War, and it was meant to reinforce the fascist idea that aggressive and proactive military strength and dominance is the only way a society can thrive. He was very critical of how soft the US was against the communist China and the USSR in those days. The '90s film took his propaganda piece and turned it into over-the-top pro-military satire, which I personally think makes it much better. And this is coming from a guy who served for 20 years in the US military.
In the HELLDIVERS games, you play an expendable recruit of Super Earth, defending your home world at the center of the known galaxy from any outside threats. And you do this by invading their home worlds and "bringing Democracy" to their doorstep. A good defense is a strong offense, am I right?
Why am I focusing on HELLDIVERS II specifically? Because it's exactly the same as the first game, except it's a third-person shooter instead of the top-down shooter of the first game. It's a lot more immersive to be in the thick of battle, covered in blood, alien bug guts, and rag-dolled across the map by explosions and rockets and friendly fire from your teammates. In the first game, you just control a small figure from above the map. I might as well be playing Age of Empires at that point.
The game starts with you going through Helldiver Training, a sort of boot camp to qualify you to be a Helldiver for Super Earth. A shuttle drops you at a remote landing pad outside the training facility, where a sign encourages you to use your embedded map display to find the facility.
Finding your way across the terrain, you reach the training facility, where General Brasch invites you in for your formal training. Boy, this takes me back to my own military training back in the day...
Although unlike my real-world military training, this one includes live-fire exercises. You're trained to dive to the ground (with the Alt button) to avoid deadly fire.
During your gameplay, you'll take significantly less damage if you're hit while diving to the ground, so dive for cover often! Sometimes it's the best way to survive being overrun by enemies. Hit the dirt!
General Brasch instructs you to use a battlefield injury simulator. I wonder how this works...
OUCH! DAMMIT! Right in the sternum!
Quick, use a stim (V key) before you bleed out! This is how you'll heal yourself on the battlefield. Although I can't help but notice it's not a "health" product, but a "stimulant" product. Meaning you're likely just stabbing yourself with a syringe of pure adrenaline. Why do I get the feeling that health plans are non-existent for Helldivers...?
Finally, you come across your first alien bug. Known as Terminids, this ruthless species will hunt you down and slice you up before you can draw your weapon. One is released from the tunnel in front of you and you're encouraged to take it out with a handgun provided on the range.
You will also be given grenades and encouraged to throw one down the tube to close it. In battle, you'll find tunnels to underground bug nests all over the map. If you want to stop the infinite swarm of bugs, you need to throw a grenade down those tunnels and seal them off.
On the next range, you're introduced to the Super Destroyer, a massive spaceship in low orbit that will provide supporting stratagems for you to use. This Super Destroyer is also your transportation across the galaxy on your way to various missions.
If you hold Ctrl, it will open your stratagems menu in the top left of your screen. Each stratagem has a series of arrows next to them pointing up, down, left, and/or right. While holding Ctrl, press your WASD keys in the order the arrows designate and if you accomplish it successfully, the Super Destroyer will deploy that specific stratagem to the location you designate. In this case, I requested an orbital precision strike and threw the marker into the middle of a group of Terminids:
The only good bug is a dead bug!
Stratagems can also be used to call in advanced weapons or equipment for use in the field, resupplies of ammo and stims, and even reinforcements when your team members die on the battlefield.
Oh yeah, when you die (and you will die a lot), the Helldivers will just send more bodies to replace you. Canonically, you die and a new Helldiver takes your place in the field. But you continue to play that replacement, and they happen to have the same equipment loadout and gear as you did. So you're not removed from the gameplay because of a simple thing like death. As long as there are reinforcements (and your teammates remember to call them in), you get to stay in the action!
There are a limited number of reinforcements in each mission, so don't get yourself killed too often. But the game revels in the concept that Helldivers are just bodies to throw into battle until Super Earth wins. You are literally cannon fodder, a nameless body chucked haphazardously at the enemy for the Greater Good. So do your best to stay alive as long as possible!
Finally, you approach a terminal where you will input a command to free the Super Earth Flag and ceremoniously plant it in the ground. You will approach these terminals in the field quite a lot, so this is practice for booting it up and inputting commands. Which, again, are pretty much just WASD directions. They keep it so simple, any Helldiver can do it!
You've planted the Super Earth flag and saluted it, but two tunnels opened up and allowed Terminids into the area! Defend the flag and kill those bugs!
Finally, you've completed your graduation requirements! You enter the Graduation Chamber, which also has your Contract of Employment etched into stone on either side. Give it a read if you have a moment; it's quite ridiculous what you're agreeing to.
Or if you're anxious to start your enlistment, skip the fine print and go don your official cape! It's on display at the other end of the chamber. You can't call yourself a super hero of Super Earth without a cape, right?
Now quickly, go out the back door and jump into a cryogenic pod so you can be delivered to your first Super Destroyer. There's an active war going on and you're needed on the front lines!
Boy, that was a quick basic training! Only took maybe 15-20 minutes and you're already off to battle. I joined the US Air Force back in the day, which has the shortest basic training of all our branches of the military, and I still needed 6-1/2 weeks of training before I graduated! (With honors, I might add.)
You will get the opportunity to name your Super Destroyer in the format of "SES [blank] of [blank]." Fill in the two blanks from a long list of names. It doesn't really do anything, it's just a cool immersive feature. It will be printed on the side of your Super Destroyer, which you will see every time there's a cutscene of your ship from the outside. You can change its name at any time. Here's mine in the foreground; my teammates' ships in the background.
Once you're on board, you will have the option to purchase more advanced capabilities and resources of your Super Destroyer, spending Requisition Slips earned from completed missions, and "samples" you find on planet surfaces. There's a terminal off to one side for this.
In the narrow walkway leading to the bridge, you'll find several terminals where you can customize your character. Custom Helldiver uniforms, basic weapon loadouts, titles, emotes, etc. You can also buy upgrades for your basic weapons as you level them up from use on the battlefield.
To start a mission, run up to the bridge and select the giant map in the middle of the room. There are currently three major threats to Super Earth in the galaxy: the Terminids (alien bug race), Automatons (cyborg race), and the Illuminate (squid-like alien humanoid race).
Every player in the world is contributing toward the same in-game objectives, so every mission you complete moves humanity slightly closer to total domination over the galaxy. The numbers to the left of the galaxy map are actual live gamer statistics. Pick a sector infested by your chosen enemy, then select a planet in that region to find missions to complete.
Don't forget to select a difficulty at the bottom of the map. There are currently 10 difficulty levels, and you need to complete each level in order to unlock the next one.
Extreme (#6) is my preferred difficulty at the moment, and the first level that grants you access to all three types of samples you can find on planets. You won't be able to continue upgrading your Super Destroyer unless you can collect all three types of samples, so get out there and tough it out!
You can also hit Tab to find ongoing missions. These are teams of Helldivers (i.e. real players) actively in missions that you can join. You can play co-op with up to 4 people on a team. I highly recommend playing with others; it's extremely difficult to complete missions solo, especially in higher difficulty levels.
You will earn medals for successful completion of each mission. The number of medals (and the number of missions per region) go up with your difficulty level.
Medals are another currency you can spend for new uniforms, weapons, etc. in your Acquisitions menu (R button). You can only hold 250 medals at a time, so spend those awards!
Once you have a team and the team leader has picked a mission, everyone needs to report to a hellpod at the bow of the ship. These are bullet-shaped pods which will be launched at the planet surface, safely and effectively deploying you into the combat zone in mere seconds.
Once inside the hellpods, your team leader needs to select a landing zone on the map, and then everyone can select their individual stratagem loadouts for this particular mission. Once everyone is ready, your team will be launched.
I love that the Helldiver way of deploying troops into battle is to literally shoot them in human-sized bullets at the planet. It's very symbolic of the finesse at which Super Earth approaches Democracy across the galaxy.
Enjoy the random tips and trivia that pop up during this loading screen. And also rock out to that patriotic orchestral music! Nothing gets me more hyped for battle than the soundtrack for this game! This loading screen music is called "A Cup of Liber-tea" by Wilbert Roget, II.
Once you land on the surface, you'll have a limited amount of time to complete your chosen mission. Most missions are a max of 40 minutes, but you'll occasionally find a brief 12 or 15 minute mission. Hustle toward your objectives! Those 40 minutes will pass quickly if you're distracted with the infinite waves of enemies patrolling for you.
Once your mission timeline ends, your Super Destroyer will leave the region without you, leaving you stranded on the planet with no stratagems to back you up. That means no more resupplies, no more advanced weapons, and no more heavy strikes from low orbit.
You can stay as long as you like, but you will quickly start running out of supplies as the hordes of enemies close in on you. So hurry up and finish the mission! A shuttle will come pick you up from an extraction point when you're done and ready to evacuate.
Remember to have fun out there! Take advantage of explosives and end threats quickly and efficiently from afar.
Do whatever it takes to complete your mission, regardless of the odds stacked against you! Come on, you apes! You wanna live forever?!
If you happen to find SEAF soldiers running around a battlefield (usually only found in Mega Cities), throw them a salute (B button) and they'll return it, then follow you and provide cover fire. Form your own NPC battalion!
Note: They are extremely expendable and will go down in a hit or two. You will also lose Requisition Slips for every SEAF casualty under your command. So carefully consider... are their lives worth the potential loss in pay?
When you return from a successful mission, you'll get mission stats to compare between players. Categories marked in yellow are the (subjectively) best scores amongst the team.
How the hell did Pink get 5,000 friendly fire damage against the team?! I've never seen that number so high! That would explain the number of deaths throughout this mission...
So enlist today! Join the Helldivers and save Super Earth from the oppressive forces of the Terminids, Automatons, and Illuminate! Service guarantees citizenship.
Monday, February 3, 2025
#57 - Aperture Desk Job
I was actually in the middle of a Half-Life review (spoiler for my next post!) and I got a new Steam Deck in the mail, which thoroughly distracted me for the past few days. That, and I threw my back out, so sitting comfortably at my gaming PC has been impossible lately. Instead, I've been lying in bed, enjoying some of my Deck-ready games like the free Valve game Aperture Desk Job. The screenshots for this post will all be 1280x800, the default resolution for the Steam Deck.
As you may know, Steam (and the Steam Deck) is owned by Valve, the company behind the Half-Life and Portal games, which both take place in the same universe. Aperture Desk Job is a short Portal-esque game they made for the Steam Deck, which teaches you all the controls and functions of the new portable gaming device. While also having a fun, comedic game to play.
The game opens up with a pre-recorded speech from Cave Johnson (voiced by J.K. Simmons), the owner of Aperture Science, welcoming you to the company. That's a portrait of him on the right:
Your view traverses down through various floors of the company as he espouses all the wonderful things that you can do for Aperture Science. After all, you are a gifted scientist who will save humanity with your genius!
...Or not. Turns out they were playing the wrong recording.
It turns out, you're just a lowly product inspector. You're introduced to Grady, a personality core overseeing your new position in the company. Grady is excessively chatty.
He says you're going to be inspecting... something. It's not written on his chart, so he moves on to your inspection desk. Look familiar? It has all the same buttons and joysticks and touch pads as your Steam Deck, including the four buttons on the underside of the device (the L4, L5, R4, and R5 buttons)
Your first product comes down the line and it's a puke-green toilet with a white lid. (Incidentally, it looks EXACTLY like the toilet in my childhood home, right down to the color scheme!)
The board in the back seems pretty self-explanatory, so you start pressing buttons in sequence to go through the whole testing cycle. You fill the tank with water, test pressure on the seat, flush the toilet, then move it down the line.
Grady notices one of the toilets is burning and decides to ignore it and continue testing regardless.
Shenanigans ensue and the burning toilet ends up filled with live ammunition, firing rounds all over the room. Which gives Grady an idea.
Six months later... Grady returns to show off his new invention: the Aperture Science Turret! (See first screenshot) It almost immediately breaks, but he claims that was just the initial prototype and brings out the actual turret he's been working on - the Mark Two. He asks you to take a picture of him with it, for the history books. Which teaches you how to take screenshots with the Steam Deck.
Grady aims it away from you and asks you to test it out. He opens up all the panels on your desk and tells you to go wild, pressing absolutely everything.
You proceed to shoot up the entire warehouse, with enthusiastic encouragement from Grady. Once all the ammunition is spent, Grady comments on how 90% of the features didn't even work. Then police sirens can be heard in the distance...
Grady quickly assigns you to take the blame for the whole incident, while he runs off to "streamline" the turret.
18 months later... you're released from prison on probation, and Grady shows up to claim you. Note that this is an "Aperture Incarceration." Meaning that Aperture Science has their own in-house prison that they can keep law-breaking employees locked up in.
You're required to sign a prisoner release form, which requires 3 forms of identification - vocal recitation of your name, typed name, and signed name. Again, showing off more features of the Steam Deck, including the microphone, on-screen keyboard, and touch screen.
Oh, and it turns out, Grady is now licensed to be a probation officer. He studied for his license while you were incarcerated. So he takes you under his charge and escorts you, and your desk, back to your station. He's very excited to show off the Mark Three version of the turret.
When everything seems to go off without a hitch, Grady informs you he arranged a meeting with Cave Johnson to show off the turret. If all goes smoothly, the two of you could be rich beyond your wildest dreams!
But when does a plot with Grady go smoothly? I'll let you play through the rest to find out what happens.
I enjoyed this little sub-plot going on between the floorboards, where a bunch of praying mantises discover electricity, then rapidly advance as a civilization over the months this game takes place.
Even though Aperture Desk Job is the latest game in the Half-Life/Portal franchise, it actually takes place in an alternate universe. Valve has confirmed that it happens in the "Portal expanded universe," a concept created in the "Perpetual Testing Initiative" DLC for Portal 2. As far as a time frame goes, it's been speculated that it takes place sometime in the '80s-'90s, if this universe's Aperture Science lines up with the main timeline.
Which is kind of a shame, because it was a great opportunity for Valve to introduce more lore to the Half-Life universe. But at least they're continuing to write new stuff for their famous franchises instead of completely abandoning them. COUGHHalf-Life3COUGH
Still, this was a fun little game with plenty of comedy, an opportunity to control an Aperture Science turret to shoot up stuff, and also taught you all the various functions of the Steam Deck. The whole game took maybe 40 minutes to play through, so it's a pretty decent tutorial for the Steam Deck without being a nuisance to sit through.
My first Steam Deck came with this game already at the top of my library, but you can find it on the Steam Store for free. I don't know how well it would play on the desktop, since it's reliant on Steam Deck specific controls, but if you can re-map all the buttons to a controller or keyboard, more power to you!
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